Dad on Holidays: “Yesterday was Cinco De Mayo. That’s really big here. I say, let them have their fun. As long as my neighbor keeps making this free food and passing out free beer.”
Dad on exciting evenings: “My police scanner is going off. And Terminator 3 is on in the background. So you can probably hear all the gun fire, screams, and beeps. Sorry. Not really, but you know, curtesy or whatever.”
Dad on promotions: “My landlord does a raffle for everyone who pays the rent on time. You can win $25. He draws on the sixth of every month. I went to the drawing.” Me: And? Dad: “I didn’t win, but my neighbor did.”
Dad on childhood memories: “Did you ever go hitchhiking? When I was about 12 till I got my first car, me and my friend Kenny would hitchhike all over the northeast. I remember one night, I was leaving Kenny’s house and he yelled at me ‘I hope you get picked up by a faggot!’ The next guy who picked me up was one. It was the weirdest ride of my life. Say, you’re being awful quiet. You been hitchhiking?”
Dad has never been proper or appropriate.
Dad on questions: “Do you have a minute to talk?” Me: I’m a little busy. Dad: “Do you know anything about metaphysics?” Me: Does anyone?
Dad on house cleaning: “I had a girl over this week who told me the bathroom needed to be cleaned. So I bought some supplies and I’m getting ready to take care of it.” Me: “Oh yeah?” Dad: “yeah, a jug of gasoline and my lighter. Although, with gas prices, bathroom arson isn’t as cheap as it used to be.”
Dad on anatomy: “Ever since I lost my gallbladder, I’ve not had any trouble dumping. The motor never stops running” Me: “….Ugh….” Dad:”What, are you eating?” Me: “Not any more.”
Dad on hospitalization: “I wouldn’t recommend it. The food is crap, they won’t let me smoke or drink Mountain Dew. Oh yeah, also it probably means that there is something wrong.”
Dad on the family: “When I was your age, I was married and had you. When are you gonna have kids? You’re missing out.” Me: “Weren’t you divorced five years later?” Dad: “You’re focusing on all the wrong details.”
Dad on relevant facts: “I just called to tell you about the medical history of your family.” Me: “Can it wait till this weekend?” Dad: “Whatever, it is your prostate.”
Dad on customer service: “So I’m now banned from Radio Shack.” Me: What happened? Dad: “I told the manager his mother had chest hair and she needed a shave and why don’t you go home and take care of that because you’re not helping me here.”
Dad on kids: “Kids are scary. Take you. You would wake up in the middle of the night, crawl out of bed, and just come stand next to the bed and stare at me. To this day, I’m still wondering where you hid the knife.”
Dad on house cleaning: “The city is gonna start sending a crew to clean my place once a week. I told them to just bring gasoline, I’ve got a lighter.”
Dad on staying busy: “Sorry I haven’t called in a few days. I know you had finals. And besides that I’ve been playing Freecell for money.”
Dad on effective study habits: “Do you get the sci-fi channel? They are going through some of the buildings at WKU tonight.” Me: I’m studying for finals. Dad: “It’s Ghost Hunters. Take an hour break.”
Dad on reputation: “No one is gonna remember your nickname or remember that you are a goofy scientist unless you go out there and do something crazy to get your name out there. Or maybe I’m having delusions of grandeur again. I did have a hamburger just before bed again.”
These are being compiled into a book — Strunk and Son – The Elements of Life.
I’ve added a few pictures of dad: